The Mental side of Mending

Since I updated you all on the physical side of my healing, or lack there of, I will now update you on the psychological side.
The main things I am now having to deal with on a daily basis are :

1. Unmanageable fear of riding in cars
2. Increased anxiety or uneasiness
3. Persistent nightmares
4. Very Jumpy at unexpected noises occurring

I am basically now unable to ride in a car like any normal person would, just the idea that we have to go somewhere causes me to hyperventilate and feel like bursting out into tears. Anyone who knows me and my story previous tot his accident knows I am a very tough lady and have travelled the width and breath of my own country in a car, both driving and as a passenger.  I have never been so fearful as I now am concerning vehicular travel. I actually get physical symptoms from being forced by circumstances to have no choice but to be in one. I am so very jumpy now, I literally jump out of my skin or duck at any sound I wasn't aware was coming, and those I was expecting if loud enough I still jump as well. I am having constant nightmares, this leads to constant bad sleep... which obviously is wearing and not good for me. I have a general sense of anxiety & uneasiness around me now and have to try to keep my mind very occupied to ignore this causing me panic attacks. I will need to seek professional help for all of this I know...but want to get my physical self a bit better first as sitting in a chair for 30 mins to an hour right now would cause too much pain.

Still on the Mend

Three weeks now since the accident and still I continue to suffer the aftermath. I can barely get into a car now, as it brings on serious anxiety and panic attacks to do so, I even begin to tear up when there is too many other cars around. So due to this I only get into the car when it can't be avoided like doctors or Job centre related things. Physically I thought I was getting better, but have now found this depends on the day. Some days it is just the non stop headache, and biting twinge in my neck, others i'ts full blown agony my head throbbing like I've never known before and serious earache along with the neck pain feeling so severe I have to try and just put myself to bed. I am doing what the GP recommended which was to not coddle the neck and to use it , to prevent it seizing up...but this is what tends to cause the worst days..especially when I turn my head to look at something or someone. My sinus drain seems a teeny bit better, but is still occurring, which when in the laying position causes  my throat to feel as though there is something in there blocking it. I been lucky and have no numbness or pins and needles sensations, but have noticed my shoulder begins to aches something chronic if I do too much. I will be so glad when these things go away, as they are hindering me in my original plans. I should have been long done with the bathroom by now and onto the hallway and landing, but simply cannot get a thing done due to the head and neck pain becomes too great after only a mere 5 mins of doing anything. Just my luck I suppose. :(  In the below photo the RED is the areas of actual injury pinpoints the Yellow is the referred pain and headache

I endure.

Cowboy Poetry and Storytelling - Gary Brace - "That old dog"

Cowboy Poetry and Storytelling - Gary Brace - "These words to which to I...

A Laugh A Day Keeps You Sane (Spring)

A Laugh A Day Keeps You Sane

A quote I like:
"I learned that who doesn’t look for you, doesn’t miss you and who doesn’t miss you doesn’t care for you… that destiny determines who enters your life but you decide who stays… that the truth hurts only once and a lie every time you remember it. There are three things in life that leave and never return: words, time and opportunities… therefore, value whoever values you and don’t treat as a priority whoever treats you as an option."

Working on art

Just trying to create some of these cute things of each of our pups, this is my attempt at Peppi ,Gabby ,Bandit  and Mo gifs♥

Meds

The GP put me on pain meds yesterday, because I'm coddling my neck for the pain, and he says to start getting better I need to start holding it up properly and using it normally. The pain causes me to hold my head down chin tucked towards my chest. If I don't hold it this way I get the constant headaches, severe pain in my left ear and eye..eventually making it unbearable and having to go to bed for a nap. My shoulder on that side also has pain, which gets worse if I'm laying down...so the nap then inflames that. The pills work quite fast on me, as I do not like medication and don't take it if it can be avoided, for how sick pills tend to make me. These pills make me feel drunk, then tired, rendering me pretty useless until they wear off. Oh I really can't wait for these physical symptoms to die down, they are impeding me getting anything done, and my schedule for doing this house up has been thrown to the winds for now. :( I can't sleep longer than 30 mins to an hour max in a stretch for all the nightmares I am having, and this means in my woke state I am quite a grumpy cow. I'm so edgy and jumpy now, the slightest sound sending me diving for cover, how absolutely insane is that! When we went out to get to the GP I was so upset and fearful about every single car we encountered along the way, like seriously I know how daft it sounds...but it's reality for me...being forced to even be in a car causes me to go into a state of detachment as if I'm watching myself getting taken to wherever from the outside looking in, I think I'm losing my mind over this, and I just don't understand why. When we were done at the doctors, just knowing I had to get back into a car makes me instantly panicked and start fearing and stressing. Oh how lovely it is to just be home and not be forced out into a car.

Aftermath

I went today(Tuesday) to the GP for my injuries which still are in play from the accident. The muscle known as the sternocleidomastoid is causing me serious pain. Symptoms ranging from severe headache to ear ache, left eye pain , temple pain and shoulder pain. They did a wide range of x rays for me and those results return in a week. I am also suffering psychological symptoms which are :
Insomnia and when I sleep  nightmares,Fatigue (most likely from the insomnia) ,Being startled easily...I'm constantly jumping out of my skin at the slightest sound,Difficulty concentrating,Edginess and agitation,Feeling disconnected (which was one of my immediate symptoms) ,Withdrawing from others,Anxiety and fear,Anger, irritability, mood swings,Shock, feeling out of control,Suffering from severe fear ( especially where vehicles are concerned), depression, Avoiding anything that reminds me of the trauma,Emotionally numb and disconnected. I will be claiming for my injuries and psych damages, as this is really causing me problems in getting on with life...something I seriously did not need.

Anyone else experiencing this? I was talking to my friend Jan's son and suddenly boop off I was kicked. This has shown up ever since. :( That was around 4pm UK time

I know I haven't posted in the last few days, both myself and hubby have been mending. We were both really sore , extremely tired and somewhat sick to our stomachs...we are getting better but still aches and I have a constant headache and neck/shoulder pain still. Were both feeling pretty good about our choice to remain in our  home. When we look at the overall it just makes sense.Yes a new adventure and fresh start would be nice..in theory, but in actuality neither of us are physically up to such a major move. The natural micro climate is a huge pull, while the rest of the country was getting terrible snow, ice, and cold..we have been having sun, rain and a bit of wind, but nothing as major as other places. Both of our health conditions are inflamed by cold or horrid weather, and since we can't afford a warmer place, we simply couldn't do better than the weather provided by our town. Yes this house needs decorating, BUT, the major work has already been done, just a new roof at some point, otherwise it's just cosmetics. The size of our garden is HUGE compared to most UK gardens/Yards and to be honest we most likely couldn't keep up with much bigger. So over the next few months we will slowly transform this place and be able to finally call it home. :)

No feeling so good

Went to bed last night quite early for me, but woke in the night heaving my guts out. I still feel sooo sick in my stomach and like I might do some more vomiting. My neck on the left side is painful when turned just right , and even though it is 4pm now, I've spent all day fluctuating between awake and asleep. I think I have slept more than being awake though.Going to see the doctors tomorrow, just to be sure I am ok...I feel sooo very sickly. I also ache throughout my body like the next day after a huge workout for the first time in years. We were told that evidently if the impact  didn't damage the car like we thought it should be, our bodies will have taken the blast... so better safe than sorry, I have felt so "out of body" since this accident.

"Accidents Happen"

So just going to ASDA to get milk around 3pm today and as we rolled to a stop the fella behind us ran clean into our rear end no attempts to brake. The smash of it threw us both forward, causing pain to my neck and put me into a state of shock that affected my stomach and sense of reality. The guys only real response was a sarcastic "I'ts just and accident, Accidents happen" It doesn't look much in the photos, and to be honest when I got out I expected to see a hell of allot more, based on the force. We are worried it may have twisted the frame, which would write it off, which according to hubby isn't a good thing. I'm just trying to get over the shock of it all. Nice cuppa and a nap I think.

Grand child

She is getting so big!

Brrrr

Well the weather has gone cold again, which I guess is how it is supposed to be this time of year...but oh how nice it was to be so mild :) . Tilly's breed has zero body fat so of course straight under the covers she goes.

Plans for decorating

Most of what we need has already been bought over the many years of living here. If we saw something at a bargain price we would buy, LOL which actually wors out for us now.Below is the plan as it stands now, things could change, but not too much because as I said most things are bought.
Click the below image to see the full size plans.

Yet another cloud filled morning, but hopefully it will do like yesterday and burn off to sunshine by afternoon. Got more work breaking down the vivariums today as we sold them ...so off to their new home Friday. That will be a spare £100 to add to the pot, which atm is only £300 a month for all of us to survive on, I suppose it's better than a swift kick in the teeth, but it really doesn't last long at all. I have plenty more to sell to stay afloat for now, grateful to have our home and mild weather. 

Love and Light  to ALL

♥ JAG♥

So after much time spent really looking at the facts, and having to come to terms with the realities we now live with...It has been decided We are NOT moving. It's just not possible to do with the state my husband is in, and limited income and no able bodies to help. So I will instead , slowly be decorating this house and turning it into home. We have lived here since 2004, but it was never home, always just the house we happened to be in, thinking we would then move on. Now all these years down the line, it is finally time to turn it into HOME.

♥ I LOVE THIS BOY TO BITS! ♥

Rain Rain Go AWAY!

The beautiful English weather, so changeable ...today is a cold , wet day with occasional gusts of wind...Freya didn't live up to her name here but it did bring miserable damp and chill. I am looking forward to the REAL break in the weather, not just a week or so LOL

Silly Tilly

Tilly thinks if she lays flat enough she won't have to get off the bed.

Maybe playing the ignore the command game will be best.

Look to Daddy to over rule mommy's instructions of getting off the bed.

Frustrations

Originally Posted May 11,2015 as a Facebook Note

I have so much frustration at the min. I simply can't understand how it is even possible that some people on this planet can be so cruel to one another. I am no dummy and I am not naive that nobody is perfect, and that the world is full of bad things happening to good people....what I mean is, WHY do you feel it is your place to demean or belittle another person simply to puff yourself up in the eyes of others? Why is it so entertaining to take the last shred of hope a person has and trash it....stomp on their very soul until there is nothing left of them...What in the world purpose does such ugliness and hatefulness serve?  I weep for those incapable of seeing a tragedy for what it is, I hurt seeing the suffering , feeling the pain of others...dying a bit inside myself for what is dealt to them.I get so tired of hearing "she deserved it" "He had it coming" "thats how the cookie crumbles"...and other such horrible quotes to somehow pardon the person of the horrible evil they bestow on another. Who in the world are ANY of us to take things upon ourselves and simply decide what someone else does or doesnt deserve...who exactly are we as a society that we instantly jump to the first conclusions about those around us...and take other peoples words as gospel? REALLY? Are we as a people that simple minded we can't use our own savvy to step back from something and see the REAL picture? Are we so brainwashed to the world of gossip we forgot how much pain it causes and how it literally destroys lives? I can't tell you how with each passing year I feel more and more disgust at the way people treat others online, the amount of hate and the modern day idea of what qualifies as a "joke"...I feel like Im surrounded by grown up babies half the time, and it simply makes me want to destroy this laptop and run from the evil people I see all around.I can't understand it...it makes no sense to me ....hurting folks simply because you can, going along with things you know are wrong , so you can fit in....Joining in so you feel a part of something....simply forgetting everything you know, or even thought you knew about a person so it is easier to crush them with your wicked evil words and ways...shame on you out there, shame on everyone who feels this is ok, and shame on those who do nothing and keep letting it destroy.All I can say is Suicide IS NOT painless, and when your evil wickedness, or the evil words of those you know, or the actions or the standing back and saying nothing leads to a death..... when you take things too far, and play with someones emotions who you don't really know their story, or when you start something and the pack of wolves jump in to exacerbate it, when YOU are the problem because you added to something that was already insurmountable to the person .....your lack of wisdom, your lack of understanding, your lack of empathy and lack of decency, your inability to stand up and help or at least try and defend...your lack of being anything other than that one more voice saying yet more horrible gossips and lies, the life you take, the spirit you trash, the person you aren't there for...... That's on you...and I really don't care if this is a rant or going in circles, I simply cannot come up with enough of the right words to express the deep pain hurt and disgust I feel at things going on around me, and outside of me, and throughout this entire world...all I can do is weep and become angry at it all....It's not your job to judge, its not your job to beat a persons spirit down,its not your job to be that final straw that breaks them so badly there is nothing left....SHAME on anyone who takes pleasure in the pain of others, makes light of whats real life for them,laughing at a tragedy or poking fun at a traumatic situation....Then people wonder why I have so many pets.....Sorry to all the good people who didnt read about themselves in my rant ...I just had to get this out as its bugging the hell out of me.

A New Ramble by me

Originally posted FRIDAY, AUGUST 31, 2018 as a FB note.

 None of us come with an instruction book for life,no two lives are exactly the same. We have our family or friends to help guide us, but guess what they Don’t have an instruction book either. So what do we do, how do we get through all of these hurdles life throws at us? I observe, I see who is saying what and how well that has actually panned out in their lives. if the advice given is from someone who lived it, they will know what they are talking about sure...but it doesn’t mean the lessons they learned are yours. You have to take the time to know yourself, genuinely...both your good self and the not so good about yourself, and only in this way can you use the good about you to get through things and work on the bad in you to grow and become a better version of you. Learn from the mistakes of others, but don’t let their failures or inability to continue the dream stop your walk down the path you choose. You will have a gift, you will have something in you that is exclusive to you, and not everyone will “get” you or “like” you...they may brand you with labels or see you as offensive or wrong, guess what THEY aren’t living your life, they don’t have to live with the outcome of your choices, they don’t have to feel your struggles or pains...so don’t give them the power to bring you down...nobody has that power unless you give it to them. Nobody is born evil, nobody is born a loser...society and it’s labels and “norms” , the lack of love or cycles of abuse, all the things on this earth that break and tare down , starting at a young age...this is what molds and creates the “bad”, the “rotten apples”.  Take the time in life to see things through the other peoples eyes, you don’t have to agree with them...just understand them. With this understanding comes a whole new world for you, a less angry world, a less hostile world, because even though you don’t agree with or even like what the other people are doing or saying...you can see the whys you have gained the understanding of how they got there, and with that in your tool box you now have the gift of empathy,forgiveness,and caring. Faith, I don’t mean church style faith, though if that is your thing it will work...I mean blind belief that no matter what your current situation it will all be ok in the end...as you see it is not what your living that matters as much as how you react to it, how you allow it to affect you, how you let it either grow you or break you...have faith that the creator, or whatever it is you believe wouldn’t put one of it’s most beautiful creations in this situation, but for a purpose. There may be things you need to learn , or things you need to teach, or skills you need to obtain, so you were put in that very situation for this to be possible. Life, even your life is not all about YOU, some of what you deal with, or where you are or what your doing is simply to put you in the path of someone who needs to learn,grow or witness you as a teacher to them. Everything we do in life is connected to others in some small or big way...we are a collective of souls/energy, and we all have the same goal...to get “home” one day... We need to be more nice to one another, these words of hate and ridicule I see typed out in comments daily belittling others and stomping on them with hateful words...SHAMEFUL, your inner light cannot glow and bring you joy if your so filled with filth like that. If you want to feel good, and I mean GENUINELY feel good, you need to reignite that inner light. You need to step out of your own ego, thinking you know so much about everyone else..when actually you don’t even know your own true self. You can be the light in someones darkness, why be the troll instead? You can be the difference of life and death for some, why pull the trigger instead? BE THE LIGHT, be the one good thing in a persons day. Be the one who says to them...just know Im here if you need me...be the one who doesn’t take “I’m fine” at face value... Every day were all presented with chances to be the light,to do the good, to help those not as strong as us ect... every day is a new chance for you to grow, a new sunrise for you to be alive and living, instead of dead inside and simply surviving. I really hope you see how even though this world is full of so much bad, from the governments tot he climates to the people...it is also full of beauty, miracles, and wonders...it is also full of so much good and amazement...WE ALL are the difference between this world being what we want it to be and this nightmare we see daily in various media forms. If all of us became the light for those in our paths...look how much darkness we could run off. Love and Light always

Ramblings and such

Originally posted SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2018 in a FB note

 I can forgive the younger folks not yet knowing or having learnt the lesson that this life we live is fleeting. That the people in it with us are temporary and will one day have to go as well. To see in my life that there are still grown adults with years under their belts who just DONT GET IT...really boggles the mind. Hatred,bitterness, jealousy,and all other negative type emotions leaping forth into your life and being held onto for dear life is simply stupid, for a lack of a better way to put it.Why on earth would you choose to hold onto the one thing thats holding you back in life? Why would you keep drinking that poison thats killing your spirit and diminishing who you are? Everyone says they want to be happy....but then they hold on to those things in life that , sure they are a part of life and yes need to be worked through and dealt with, to learn, to grow...but to hold on to it, to stand still and stagnate, to allow it to take over your inner being...thats plain ridiculous. Be angry, be sad, feel jealous, be whatever it is you need to be for the moment it is relevant.... but dont pack it up with you and carry it throughout the years. BE FREE of yourself, let go of those chips and hangups , your life is too short to allow this festering mess to destroy what destiny has for you. WHY harbour resentment when the path to happiness and true spiritual and inner freedom is so simple, let it go! FORGIVE, it doesn't mean you forget, as to forget is to have wasted that lesson life gave you. LOVE when it is easier to hate, as this is where you will grow the most and gain understandings you hatred would block from you. CARE about the people, places and creatures around you...we are ALL in this together, and the secret to a happier world in general is that we all start CARING more about the beings and things that matter. STOP fighting about stupid ass shit, REALLY? REALLY? people are being shot/killed  for arguments about shoes, games,phones, he said she said.... seriously KILLED for a stupid argument? Killed because of cheating ,killed because of a look taken the wrong way...WHAT! People , this world and this society are DYING because we think...”well thats just the way it is now”... NO! It doesn’t have to be so...it’s not acceptable and its not just the way it is, its wrong and its STUPID! SO WHAT if someone’s faith is contrary to yours...it’s not like they are forcing you to take part....So what if you dont like the sexual preferences of somebody, it’s not like they invited you to join in! TOO MANY BUSY BODIES in this world today, sticking their noses in things that has fuck all to do with their life...If what your fellow man/woman is doing ,believing, ect doesn't directly impact you or affect you in any way leave them alone! Stop causing tensions on this planet that aren’t required. Stop hurting killing maiming in the name of whatever the hell cause it is has you up in arms. DON’t sweat the small stuff ,there is enough BIG stuff to keep you busy if you actually looked around. All I want for the holidays this year is to know you all are SAFE,WARM,FED, and HOUSED...and know your not alone, no matter where you are in the world...I am a willing ear and shoulder for you. DON’t say PEACE ON EARTH GOODWILL TO MAN... LIVE it daily all year long. LOVE starts with you, loving yourself enough to get the things in your life RIGHT and fixed, if somethings broken in you get the help you need, fix the broken patches ...Caring starts with those around you , it’s the little token gestures will add up to the bigger changes down the road...BE the light where there is none...it’s how we will win our planet back for those future gens. DONT LET THE men in ties and suits steal this from you...there are MORE of us than them, and if we stop fighting between us about all the stupid shit little crap...WE will stand, they will fall and if we raise our little ones to believe in whats right , just and fair and really do our best in creating a better next gen...the future can be a truly amazing thing. DONT let the dark grey blackness win... LOVE & LIGHT ALWAY My Friends ♥

In Like A Lion Out Like A Lamb

We have had really gorgeous weather for February this year, and now as that month leaves us and March is here...in like a LION out like a Lamb seems to be the path it will be taking. As storm Freya approaches the winds are picking up and the sky is intermediately dumping massive rain at once, then stopping and calming again. The weather makes me think of the phenomenon known as BREXIT, which is also to be this month...everyone was calm up to this point...nobody taking as much notice as they are now, now that the exit date nears and the real chances of no deal brexit becomes even more of a possibility.Yep the weather and the government both are unsettled now, and so are the people with so much uncertainty surrounding them . Universal credit is a joke and not a funny one at that, as it continues to plow through he poor and infirmed , taring apart lives and ruining the only hopes some had for simple survival. Meanwhile others live a world apart from this reality , happily in their little bubble worlds, oblivious to the chaos and suffering around them. I can only hope and pray that just like March, all these other things will come in like a lion and out like a lamb.There is only so much any one person can take, and I genuinely feel so many are at tipping point for giving up all together. Prayers of Love and Light to you and yours, and I truly hope that whatever your situation is, you can take a moment to remind yourself of my grandmas favourite saying.. "This Too Shall Pass."

Starting over again

Just starting to blog again so bare with me. I'm gonna have to take a good look at all this to refresh my mind.In the meantime visit my pal Jan! https://www.janw.uk